I just really don’t want to be alone right now :\

I’m so tired of always being the ‘rock’ in the friendship. Always being the one there when someone needs me, but never having anyone who’s there for me. I hate waiting on a fucking shelf for when you want me, or find me to be of use. It honestly drives me mental. And this is for more than just one person, so if you’re reading this thinking, “Shit, she’s probably talking about me.” Yeah, I probably am if I know you in real life and you’re following me or you creep me.

I’m always around, always waiting, 24/7 for when a “friend” needs me. And I am: need a DD, shoulder to cry on, a tight hug? You know where to find me or you have my number. I always find myself asking if someone’s okay, almost never the other way around; and all I ever get in return is the cold shoulder or someone getting pissed off with me. Sorry for fucking caring. 

I’ve been told numerous times that “you left.” No. I fucking didn’t. I’ve been waiting right where you left me in tears after you yelled at me. It hurts, so much, feeling like you have no one. I have ‘friends’ who say that they don’t have anyone, and I sit there thinking to myself, “are you blind?! What am I to you?!” And I choke back the tears in front of them just to drowned in them later in the darkness of my bedroom. 

I didn’t leave after you chose him over me; after you told me you didn’t love me; after you used me; after you ran away; after you abused me; after you completely ignored me at the club; after you told me you hated me; after you told me to just get it over with and kill myself. All of you… I can’t take it. It’s like you don’t think about it. Yeah, I can put on a good front, but are you fucking kidding? 

I know there are people who have it a lot harder than I do. I’m just saying, that it would be nice for once to have someone (in real life) acknowledge the fact that I’ve actually been there for them when no one else was. I feel like I could disappear and none of you would even think twice. You’d go to my funeral and maybe feel like you should have done more; or question where I went, if and when you bothered to notice I was no longer here, but how many of you would actually try and find me? I really don’t think any of you. And how bad is that, to think that I call/ed you guys my friends. When all you ever do is put me on a shelf for the next time you need me, ignore me, make me cry. No wonder I’m so miserable all the time. 

Kinda fed up with all this bullshit. Fuck it, fuck you, I’m just gunna go do my own thing, with people who don’t ignore me until they need me or want me; I’m sick of feeling like an object. I’d rather hang out with people who are actually around rather then wait for you to decide I exist. 

I love her.

Her smile. Her eyes. Her laugh. Her hands. Her hair. Her arms. Her scent.

I’m in love with her strength; her view of the world; her desire to try; her stubbornness; her taste in music; her taste in clothing; her taste in food; her walk; her kindness…

I love her with every breath I take, every ounce I have to love someone is for her. When I see her, my heart still jumps; when I hear her voice, I can’t help but smile. I look for her in every room I enter…

But she doesn’t love me. And I don’t think I can bear the heartbreak of never seeing her or hearing her voice again; so I keep it to myself, and love her in the best way I can, as a friend. But I think she knows. She sees the way I look at her. How can I not look at someone like that when I gave them my whole heart; when I respect them for their strength, courage, and spirit. I wish I had her passion, but I don’t. 

I don’t hope for her to love me back anymore… I just enjoy her company, her smile, her voice, the way she carries herself. I enjoy listening to her; talking over coffee, or eating sushi at a lovely little restaurant. I don’t want to lose what I have with her.

I think I found out the reason why it pisses me off that my mother does nothing around the house on weekends but watch TV rather than tidying around the house and washing/folding towels, whatever. Her reason - and seriously, this is her REASON for watching so much TV - is that “the guys are SO good looking!” Like, are you fucking kidding me?!

I kid you not! That is her ONE and ONLY reason. She watches all these crime shows, she doesn’t even follow the fucking plot! She just watching them. It drives me mental! Instead of spending the 3 hours of alone time I had doing my homework I’ve been cleaning because I was the only one home. She watches like 7 hours of TV each day on the weekend, makes dinner, watches the news, has a bath, and goes to bed. O.o 

And don’t get me wrong, I know full well I am old enough to clean up after myself - and I do. But I shouldn’t have to clean up after my brother, sister, and mom as well, and look after all 4 pets. And to hear that answer makes me grind my teeth together…

I need to do something or change something before this turns into a bloody mess…

unf… WHY!? Why do I feel like this… So confused :\

God, my acne is so bad because I’m so stressed, which just stresses me out more -.-’ fml

Today pretty much sucked.

I’ve had a very shit early morning/day. This follows the post I did at like 2:30am this morning. I don’t even know where to start with that anymore; you even said you saw how jealous he was getting and going up to other girls and dancing with them. Great, so he tries to make a girl he “doesn’t want anything serious” with jealous? Alright… Whatever floats your fucking boat buddy. I just don’t get it. I was dancing with you, having fun, behaving. And he comes up saying to stop it and that he’s “about to get real pissed off soon.” Like, alright. And I care why? I don’t know, but I did. I guess because I knew who you wanted to go home with. But when you have to ask, “are we still going to be friends in the morning?” What do you think that says to me? If he wants you, fine. But if he just wants you so he can fuck you, then what right does he have to act that way.

I found out today that one of my absolute favorite dogs that comes in to board at my work died a little while ago… I almost started crying at work. Apparently they have a bit of property and they let their dogs wander around; there’s a creek at the back that the dogs drink from. And they said they hadn’t seen Stewie in a while… He drowned because the water was too high and the current too rough; French Bulldogs have short legs which makes them poor swimmers. They found his body downstream on the bank. He was such an amazing dog! I don’t normally like Frenchies, but how I loved him! 

/He/ texted me today. I was rude at first, and he apologized. I told him I was busy, I was working. But I got home and sent him, “No, just don’t even. I’d rather have no one at this point than you coming and talking to me. I’m done ——-. I keep you around because I like to try and think you’re a good guy. But you fuck up too much shit; and I’m done with it. I’m tired of you thinking you can say and do anything and it doesn’t matter. You cause too many problems. And honestly, I still haven’t forgiven you for the shit you pulled with me and ———-. And I never will. You constantly tried to break us up, and when that didn’t work, you attempted to fuck her. One, I don’t want part-time “friends”, and two, fuck you. You’re just trouble ——-. And not the good kind. I really tried to see the good in you, but you’ve caused too many problems.” So I’ve washed my hands of him.

I hate being alone. But I hate trying to meet new people, so I feel like I’m stuck in this rut. I’ve made new friends, but the only one I’m interested in has a jealous friend, so that’s out of the question. On top of that I’ve been so miserable and alone lately I feel like I don’t know how to be happy or around people anymore. :\

I know you’re going to see this, and personally, right now I don’t really care. I have my own shit going on right now; I go out, force myself to go out and try to have a good time. And dancing with you is great! I have an awesome time! And I will admit, I do enjoy knowing that he watches us dance and that it makes him jealous; but he treats you, more or less, like you’re an object. And I don’t like that. I don’t care who you go home with. We’ll still be friends tomorrow; I promise. But what I don’t promise is to hold my horses when he starts being a douche bag and won’t even hear what I have to say. I won’t take that. He made me feel like shit. Why? Cause he “doesn’t like drama,” yet he loves to be a part of it when it makes him feel good. So that line is invalid for him. I went out to have a good time, I figured you’d be there, I knew h’d be there, I knew I would let you go home with him; because to me you’re not an object, and I’d rather keep our friendship this way, or move it to a more serious thing without some drama king getting in the way. 

Today makes 6 months since I quit smoking! It took me all day to realize this, ha ha!