No one will ever bridge that gap and point to your stomach or your hair or your eyes in the mirror and magically make you see the wonderful things about getting to be next to you. And maybe that’s it, after all, this fear that no one will ever truly feel about you the way you want to be felt about. Maybe what you want is someone to make you love yourself, to put sense into all that positive rhetoric, to make it so the aloneness of TV and blasting music in your ears at all times isn’t the most happy place you can think of. Maybe you want someone who makes you so sure of how wonderful things are that you cannot help but to tell them your feelings first, even at the risk of being humiliated. Because you will know that, when you’re telling them you love them, what you’re really saying is “I love who I become when I am with you.
Chelsea Fagan, For When You Think That No One Will Love You (via perfect)
Bout sums up my life.
I feel like I fucked up what we had; our friendship, our relationship, how you look at me. I might still be broken, I might still be slowly piecing myself together, but I don’t need you to fix me. I just need you to love me for who I am and be there for me.
I’m not good with words, and I’m not good at keeping friendships for long; to be honest I don’t think I’m good at much other than being able to destroy everything good I touch. I’ve gotten a lot better though, and you’re not that easy to push away. I didn’t see you for 2 days, didn’t get to hear you laugh, see your smile, get to hug you… And for those 2 days I thought maybe I could do it; but I thought about you too much.
I feel like I’m writing some sort of stupid love story that ended terribly. And I guess for me it kinda is. I love everything about you, I love how you can tease me and get away with it, how we joke, that we go out for walks or drives or coffee or food, how I can be with you not saying a thing and it’s not awkward, how it doesn’t bother me when you see me naked, that when I’m with you I feel beautiful. And I feel like because of this one mistake I have just torn away everything.
I should be sleeping, but all I can think about is how I’m sleeping alone tonight, regardless of the fact that we both work early tomorrow. My bed still has the faintest scent of you left. And I know in a few days it’ll be gone… Maybe I should just throw them in the wash right now and get it over with.
But I don’t understand why it hurts so much. I haven’t really lost you, you were never mine. Though I never wanted to be caught, you got a grip me. I fell for your charm, your kindness and understanding, your outlook on life, nature, and people, and your smile. I don’t know what you saw in me, you’ve mentioned a couple things, things I try and see. I try to be a better person than I used to be every day; I find little things that make me happy, things that make me look forward to tomorrow. Right now I’m just trying to take things by the hour… Because you say you aren’t leaving, but the look in your eye makes me nervous. If I could explain this to you I would, but I’m worried it would just push you away more. That’s why I’ve been so distant. I’m sorry I’m so difficult lately. I like the person I am with you a lot better, she just doesn’t come out very often…
I give up. I will love who I want to. I’m tired of being pushed to put a label on myself.
“I wanna be scared, don’t wanna know why
Wanna feel good, don’t have to be right
The world makes all kinds of rules for love
I say you gotta let it do what it does”
I will love who makes me happy. That’s the end of it.
I feel stuck in this little rut, in this little town, in my miserable little life. I’ve missed out on a lot in my life; and a lot of it is due to my parents, not to say that it’s 100% their fault, but being a child/teenager who doesn’t really have a say makes it difficult.
I missed out on joining pony club; on learning my family language because my mom didn’t want me struggling with learning two languages at once; on joining any extra curricular activity such as music or sports as a child or in high school; I missed out on going to London in grade 8, Paris in grade 9, Japan in grade 10, and now Europe with my best friends.
I missed out on the possibility of dating a girl I really liked because I was too scared of being rejected by her, so I allowed her to believe that all we were was casual and now she’s taken.
Granted, some of these things are my fault. I could have laid my love on the line, I could have told my mom to deal with the fact that I’m 20 and I want to travel, I could have done more in high school and university, I could have said “yes!” But I didn’t. I can’t change the past, I can’t change my childhood.
If you’re still in high school and you think it’s a waste of time, or you’re scared to join a club because none of your other friends are joining it, just say yes! Please, just do it. Take that little leap of faith! Because I wish I had. There will always be more opportunities, but they will never be the same. I know life can be scary, and you might have a hard time making friends, I know I do. But the only way to get out of this little hole and experience new things is to say yes, and do new things.
And even if it doesn’t work out or you hate it, you can still say that you tried. That you put in the effort to do something you never have. You can’t go backwards and change the things that have already happened, but you can go forward and make the most of it.